Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.

Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.

[first date]

her: do u like cats or dogs better

me: [scanning menu] what page are u on

We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”

[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?

[Carnac the Magnificent]

Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans

*opens envelope*

“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”

Me: I got a job interview next week.

Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.

Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.

Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long

Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long

Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.

Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.

long distance relationships can work if the 4 of you all truly trust each other.

Ad placement of the day

#ooh

I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.

My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended

wife: where’s the baby

me: in the cradle

wife: but where’s the cradle

me: on the treetop

[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]

me: I just thought of a song

📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty

whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist

I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.

I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.

5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.

ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.

I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.

[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks

I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever

“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”

[cockroach crawls by]

Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?

*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*

Me: Not that one.

*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.

Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”

Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom

Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine

How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips