Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.

My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.

If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.

“Evolution-schmevolution!”

-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy

jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet

i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok

Great news everyone! the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery

Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.

Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert

Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.

Thank you

*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.

50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.

So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.

“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*

It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.

Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.

#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke

Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.

I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.

If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma

I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.

“Do you know anything about this teapot?”

“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”

“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”

THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.

ME: What’s the grass situation?

Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?

No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.

Made a playlist for your weekend hike

“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts

My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.

Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.

– My dog, whenever I’m eating.

My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today