Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done

Also I have no idea how tampons work

Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.

my daughter told me that I am eating my elderly era. I’m not sure what that means and if I should thank her or ground her

If a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. They love that.

The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.

The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word

My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”

My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.

My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.

Chaining myself to the bed tonight, not because I’m a werewolf, but because there are bags of unattended Halloween candy all over the house.

‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.

Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS

*Pillow Talk

When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.

Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.

THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on

Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.

Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]

I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.

I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.

Bourbon.

the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”

There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal

I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.

*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*

“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”

Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide

I met my wife at a singles night

I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids

recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left

[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?

According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me

If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.

Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.

Like a good neighbor

plow my driveway, not my wife