me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
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Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Single and childfree like Jesus
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed