Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.

One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.

Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.

All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus

her: well don’t just stand there, say something

me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross

her: i said i’m pregnant matt

me: his hair could be the brush part

how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in

Top 3 screwdrivers:

1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment

me: do you want more breakfast

6: no im full i have a small tummy

me: ok that’s fine you can-

6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-

me: I SAID you can go now thanks

If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦‍♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦‍♂️😏🤦‍♂️😉🤦‍♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.

As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind

I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.

If I ignore life will it go away?

I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter

The Others (2001)

#Caturday

Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself

[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*

The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.

*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?

If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste

I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.

Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.

Coworker: You said all that out loud.

“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”

-my phone

When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.

Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!

Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.

I just got the emailed receipt from her shopping trip and It’s taking forever for my wife to get home and “catch” me doing the dishes

When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.

A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.

Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.

You can stop sacrificing goats now.