Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope

*Cracks knuckles*

“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”

“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.

the three branches of government

Her: Your hair looks nice today

Me: Thanks. I slept differently.

At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?

Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”

I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years

ME: how old is your son?

WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months

ㅤㅤ

Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside

My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today

15mos are the cutest humans in the world but also the most boring. Girl, we’ve been putting this baby doll to bed for 23 mins, please

My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”

I am so proud.

You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!

I wish you could comment on Zillow.

Like “Wtf are you smoking this house is not worth 990k”

The comment section would be very entertaining

[outside of bank]

Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!

Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!

Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.

There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug

Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.

That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.

Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.

I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it

i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix

Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to

Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to

Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to

If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.

my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying

“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”

why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have

What’s the name of that drink? “The Will Smith”?

My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.

waiter: would you like a table?

me: yes, the multiplication please

When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.