ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
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9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
Gonna need a little more blood sugar before I stand on a 6 foot ladder and have both hands involved in wiring.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
The dark side of Canada
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
As the Lord intended
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.