ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
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Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
Creepy-crawlies
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
The reason I wrap my potato in tinfoil before baking it is so that the government can’t tell what the potato is thinking
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.