ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
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Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Tuesday
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Guests: [sitting down for Thanksgiving dinner]
Me: Oh. You’re staying?
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75