ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
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cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
bragging about how I’ve “really turned my life around recently” without mentioning in which direction
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird