Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
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Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Katy perry I have listened to your new song backwards and I understand the mission. Sleeper cell activated
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.