Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.

Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me

Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.

Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher

*presses start and turns around*

Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this

rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born

barista: *under breath* shit

So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?

Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.

*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*

*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*

A huge thanks to the person that did this

Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan

Netflix: are you still watching

Alexa: yeah he’s here

Me: 😳

Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?

Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.

Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.

Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.

Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player

Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married

Interviewer: and you?

Me: distracted her husband with an interview

the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”

*Naming my child*

WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?

ME:… Mattress?

When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.

Beyonce, shame on you. Beytwice, shame on me.

In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”

You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?

When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.

I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.

The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that

*deals poker hand*

peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]

everyone, at exactly the same time: fold

Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.

Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.

Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.

Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?

You do now.