Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*

My foot: I’LL GET IT

My brain: NO YOU IDIOT

When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.

Kids forever killing vibes 💀

I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.

me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better

The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.

Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.

During a calendar lesson today in first grade…

Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?

6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.

Me: Why were my tests so expensive?

Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.

Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?

Hospital: Our fax machine was down.

You’re goddamn right I’m touching the plate immediately after you warn me it’s hot

My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!

My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?

Your move, grandpa.

2022 will be better than 2021

Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.

😎 🍻

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.

No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.

18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese

Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.

if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know

Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.

My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”

Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.

“Nom nom nom”

– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food

I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”

Server: Would you like another glass of wine?

Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time

Server: For the wine?

Me: No, for silly questions

Can’t, holding a grudge

Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!

Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*

This classic never gets old . . .

me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate

gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast

My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.

I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*