Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
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I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
My husband breaking the news to my kids: We’re probably not going anywhere this weekend.
My kids: NOOOOO!
Me: ʸᵉˢˢˢˢ
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …