me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
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rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
hmmm
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
Wolves should really raise more people.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
They said it was a staff infection, but I’m pretty sure some customers got it as well.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
Has there ever been a more American story?
