me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
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Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.