Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
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Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
Hahaha
I mean…it’s true!
#facts
#tattoo #tattoos #employability #funny #bananabeltbetty
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
“No problem at all, the food was delicious in the end, thank you, well worth the wait!”
Translation: I won’t be coming to this restaurant again.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.