Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.

Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget

The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER

Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.

[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse

I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.

When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.

When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.

Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.

Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.

having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex

Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat

You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”

Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane

Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child

Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice

Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”

Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.

there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord

*slowly slides PBJ under seat*

Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars

Don’t fall for the ‘Deep-fry your money in batter’ investment scam – that’s how I frittered away all my savings.

The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed

Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.

Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.

It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.

Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”

All the other countries have rectangles

“TWO TRIANGLES”

Alright ok fine

Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!

Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]

Me: Everything ok?

My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.

You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.

when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death

Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*

Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.

I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.

і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches