Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.

jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing

george would invest and lose everything

kramer would become a billionaire

elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy

My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.

Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.

One hamburger please

CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here

Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please

I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!

9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.

[mall]

Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.

*looks in purse*

*waves at testicles*

Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!

Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”

Manager: Great! What will it do?

Developer: The opposite of that.

An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.

[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new

[special ops briefing]

Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out

my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie

give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.

Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!

*Starts doing laundry*

I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.

I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer

Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”

[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant

😍😂🥰😂😍

Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.

I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…

-I popped the question

The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.

[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”

WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one

ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*

I don’t know who needs to hear this but it’s time to send me my weekly allowance for cheese

[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real

*Makes joke on Twitter*

*5 Retweets*

*Makes same joke on Facebook*

*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*