Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
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People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
starting a new competition called Bad Olympics where you’re not allowed to compete if you have any sort of natural advantage that makes you good at a sport
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
I was eating sour haribo sweets at the movies one time and I rubbed my eyes and my mates have teased me for years about “crying” over a fucking Avengers movie
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
my uncle was kicked out of the army for eating too many spider webs
Thinking about that one comedy anime gag that always seemed to show up in the 2000s, I never knew what that was called
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here