Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
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Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
9yo: what kind of place is Centerfolds?
me: um, I think it’s a place to practice, like, folding stuff.
9yo: like clothes?
me: no they don’t have clothes there.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
this sign has the same social anxiety i have
My neck my back my allergy attack
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
surely got to be a better way to end each section of this Mental Health training course
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
you gotta be faster
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
