Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
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Expectations vs. Reality
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Telling my friend they will end up with the partner they deserve (insult but said in the tone of a compliment)
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*