Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.

And that’s what happened your honour.

I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.

The Odyssey must have seemed like such a goofy title when it came out. Imagine if someone nowadays wrote a book about a guy named Steve and called it The Stevening and it was taught it every school 1000 years later

A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.

If you fart in the forest and nobody is around to hear it, would anyone- [text from wife: you’re disgusting]

I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.

Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?

i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM

Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?

Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore

I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.

Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me

If you want my opinion ask my wife

The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.

My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”

Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.

Friend: I’m poly.

Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!

[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another

I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:

1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.

The walk of shame, but it’s just trying to walk after sitting crisscross applesauce for a few minutes.

Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.

lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news

me: ok what’s the good news

lab assistant: you got an a on your test

me: ok…and?

lab assistant: it’s hepatitis

It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.

Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?

I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex

*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:

oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now

that wasn’t the question

I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.

cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.

“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media