Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[crime scene]

BATMAN: Who the hell are you?

MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?

BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.

MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.

[BATBAT arrives]

BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?

@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…

COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38

I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.

“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.

There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi

Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.

Did everyone recover from the TikTok ban?! 🤣😂

Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.

When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.

I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake

Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.

doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button

as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life

Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.

*Someone compliments me*

Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.

[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit

me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky

[8 eating some chips]

8: Can I eat the whole bag?

Me: No, just the chips that are inside

Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it

I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”

The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.

Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.

I yelled what does BMX stand for?

He replied “DUI”.

You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?

“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}

Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?

“No try again”
{Murder sounds}

Ring Around the Rosie?

“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}

(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?

“Yes!”

(I begin to cry)

I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.

serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death

me: so you’re gonna let me live

I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.

Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill

Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now

Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king