Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.

My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy

Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.

Remember that it’s “i before e” …

Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.

“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.

My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.

[resorting to cannibalism]

My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!

Me: he would have wanted us to survive

Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?

them: are you with someone or are you alone?

me: *winks* who’s asking?

them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.

Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING

My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”

Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.

Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies

Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows

White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]

Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)

Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.

I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.

worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost

why he move like a hotel transylvania character

I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”

Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.

31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.

“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis

If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.

I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.

People clown on Sun Tzu for giving really basic and obvious advice but keep in mind that emperors and nobles at the time were drinking mercury to become immortal. I think he knew his audience.

*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER

My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.

I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”

are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.