Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.

Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?

[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]

If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.

me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER

Dentist: “And do you floss?”

Me: “Yes!”

My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”

I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.

As long as that distance is 300 miles.

It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.

I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.

If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you

Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…

After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.

I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services

Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?

Me: I’ll see you in court!

Waldo: will you

Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.

“I’ll be back!”

-boomerangs

-and herpes

[opens fortune cookie]

be careful what you wish for

[opens another]

this is your final warning

Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.

Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.

[driving]

ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.

Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.

A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig

Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*

In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids

Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.

Rascals! #txt

So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.

Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.

The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.

Follow me for more life hacks.

It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing

Three steps to start a relationship.

1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.