Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there

Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.

Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…

*Husband brings entire purse*

I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.

her: i hate ultimatums

me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.

Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?

My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.

I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.

[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were here

pizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less

whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on

Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.

I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.

Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.

Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.

I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2

CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird

Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.

I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.

interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume

me: you opened it in Word didn’t you

No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run

LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay over

LETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over

Me: God, please stop giving me your toughest battles

God: you literally just have to empty the dishwasher

About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions

[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T H

C R E

O D

W

Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo

Everyone else at laser tag: 😳

Me working remotely from home:

“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”

*moving laundry from washer to dryer

Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?

Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.

Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.

me: I’m doing marathon training

friend: that can really help you in the long run

me: I know what it’s for