Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…

Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”

Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”

Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”

a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real

The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne

When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.

The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.

My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’

*phone rings*

Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’

Me: ‘Could you do it?’

*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*

[at the gym]

Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”

Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”

went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security

I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.

“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.

All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.

CONGRATULATIONS

It has been

2̶4̶ 0 days

since you last stepped in cat puke.

At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it

My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF

someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner

GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.

ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.

Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.

Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.

Me: I’m going to shower

6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!

Me: Aw, than-

6: just some make up would help

i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg

It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?

On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.

14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.

they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit

A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.

Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️

Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.