Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *

My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.

I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.

[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care

a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”

podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in

How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?

End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face

I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.

*waits until you fall asleep*

*tests out his new retractable air horn*

I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.

(you can unfollow me at anytime)

I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.

I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you

Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.

BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.

life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe

I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.

one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk

Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”

Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”

#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?

The slowest swimmer.

[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}

living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated

I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.

When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”

People who play golf don’t concern me nearly as much as the people who watch it

Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.

Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.

I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant

So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?

[at a chemistry convention]

Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”

Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”

I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.