Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos

H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee

I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”

My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar

I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.

no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life

The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.

Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”

To which I replied: “a camera.”

My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.

She left me because I am insecure.

No wait, she’s back.

She just went to get a glass of water.

So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.

Dog 911: what’s ur emer-

Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME

Dog 911: so?

Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE

Dog 911: OMG

Dog: OMG

Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.

waiting for halloween be like:

Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.

[When I offer my kid a new food]

Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?

[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]

Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT

5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?

Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?

“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.

The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.

I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.

they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter

I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.

[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!

I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.

Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”

thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*

It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”

Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.

9: I want a hug

Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.

Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.

Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.

Them: You’re hot.

Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?

ATMs should have breathalyzers

Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?

Me: They’re for my meeting at work.

Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?

Me: And?