Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Leia: You owe child support.

Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.

Leia: You’re standing right here

Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*

I think about this cartoon a lot.

Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.

[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho

Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT

Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”

The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.

You said clothes were 50% off

But not one woman in here is topless

That false advertising!

Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.

Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.

Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.

10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?

Me: Well, son …

[to be continued]

2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say

Is fake venison called venisn’t

Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of bread

that’s my pug, you’re dating my pug

I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey

got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there

Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!

M: oh nonsense!

W: ok, did you get the cat food?

M: WE HAVE A CAT??

ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.

Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.

No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity

I feel like not enough people are aware of how unhinged dunkin’s latest ad campaign is

Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.

As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.

I’m fighting for free speech. Mine not yours you need to shut the f*** up

The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.

Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law

Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.

My new baby cousin is half Bengali/ quarter Portuguese and a quarter Nigerian. And the first thing my uncle says is welcome to the world baby United Nations 😭😭😭😭😭

Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”

I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.