Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.

[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…

MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.

I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.

me: you can’t take a joke

joke thief: what

I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.

I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point

For newbies

DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subway

always here to help! All day 👍

You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier

DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?

ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right

[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.

Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.

I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.

My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆

This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*

People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins

Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*

5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?

Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE

mom: how was the ballgame

me: they showed sex on tv

mom: what?

dad: he means the kiss cam

me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that

[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*

My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.

Dear Abby,

I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?

[first date]

HER: I like classic cars

ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels

Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”

[scene of car accident]

bystander: is your baby ok

me: no he’s a complete jerk

Happy birthday to actor Sam Elliot, who turns 80 today, and to his mustache, who turns 79.

I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.

“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”

My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.

Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa

I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.