Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.

Marriage counselor: and the puns?

Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it

Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate

Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.

Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.

“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.

High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others

Him: Are you free later?

Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.

Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat

I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”

Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!

If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.

2008: I want a career where I change the world

2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of

2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues

“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”

It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.

[Quiz show]

Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”

Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”

Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”

Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”

i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police

Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.

Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?

Webb. James Webb.

People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.

I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them

My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.

Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.

*jingles half the way*

*through a mouthful of Nutella*

Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.

I’m a bad bitch. Truly exceptional at being bad at everything.

(Jupiter –

I’m writing a book of obitchuaries for all the people who are dead to me

in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.