Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
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CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
dril cadence
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
I have a cartoon in the current Private Eye
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope