Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.

It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.

when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement

Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.

Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.

c’mon!

Aragorn: You have my sword.

Legolas: And you have my bow.

Gimli: And my axe.

Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.

Aragorn: But we’re heading to –

Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.

I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?

I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.

God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE

Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days

Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it

How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.

supermarket employee: can I help you find something?

me: oh no…I’m not shopping. I’m just here for the music

Sister: What can I get your kids this year?

Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?

Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.

Me:

One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.

Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.

Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?

Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.

if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption

I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise

I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.

I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”

My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”

I think I’m good.

What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go

me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt

My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead

If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.

I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun

Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]

Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]

Me on my deathbed: ANY day now

🤣