Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Question of the day :

If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?

My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.

Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.

Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.

When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself

” What would Homer Simpson do?”

[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears

If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.

I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.

Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise

*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*

I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.

“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.

rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.

You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.

I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.

Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week

I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.

This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂

Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken

Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen

Me:what is this CSI?

If snakes were wide

I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask

I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.

HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk

I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.

Her: tell me want I want to hear baby

Me: your order is on its way

Her: oh god, yes!

Me: how are you

Friday: good

In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.

You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.

My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.