Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
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Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.