Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
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I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.