ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
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Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
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Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
I found £20 laying on the ground and I asked myself, what would Jesus do? 🤔
So, I turned it into wine.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
