Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.

Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*

*Grave robbers exempt.

My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.

Baseball is weird in that you directly supply to your opponent the opportunity to score against you

John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed

guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here

STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.

Cop: You been drinking?

Me: No.

Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.

Me: Alphabet the.

Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.

Me: Each letter.

You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.

I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.

12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.

My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.

Guy- What’s your sign?

Me- Stop

4 yo: “Miss Katie, when you were a baby did your parents die and leave you alone?”

My friend: “Sorry, they watched Annie yesterday.”

If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why

I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.

Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭

Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne

If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.

“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.

Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you

Me: This show sucks
Boss: Again..this is a zoom meeting

Six Flags: *opens first theme park

Five Flags: We should have seen this coming

Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?

😂💯

That second sandwich was a mistake.

– me, making a third sandwich

Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage

Had to submit my CV for something and they asked why there was a three month gap between finishing school and starting university lol

You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?

5yo: Curious George is not a monkey

Me: yes he is

5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape

Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg

DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!

Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.