Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do you mean “Just Standing There Glaring And Hissing At People” doesn’t count as socializing

The answer is funnier than the question

8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.

Me: Sounds pretty legit.

Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!

Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.

I like my women with curves.

Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.

I try

Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.

Cop: where ya headed?

“the gym”

Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you

“thank you so much, officer”

partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard

me: yep

partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire

me: that’s right

partygoer: where did you two meet

me: tall chair store

I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…

But all they sent me was her underwear.

I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.

All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.

I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.

So Ive started a sarcasm club.

It would mean the world to me if you joined.

me: so I just check out women all day?

grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that

my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.

*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second

Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”

We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.

Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.

My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..

..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!

Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.

I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.

being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system

I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.

I’d date me.

But mainly because I put out.

Kid: Everything poops?

Me: Kinda

K: Trees don’t poop

M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen

K: So we’re breathing tree poop?

M:

K:

M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

Me: The company moved.

I: Where?

M: They didn’t tell me.