Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?

My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.

[liquor store]

Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.

Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*

Him: Oh, it’s you.

accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game

Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago

Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.

When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.

Worked a treat.

Got me twenty years.

hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him

Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.

I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.

Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…

*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp

Voter fraud started when I lost People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive in 1997.

The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.

Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.

[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away

My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.

corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn

Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.

I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.

I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.

I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.

[resorting to cannibalism]

My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!

Me: he would have wanted us to survive

You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.

-whistling you perverts

What if the weather talks about us?

I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume

‘…um….’

– the first cow ever milked

her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes

I want this so bad

terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth

I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere