Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
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Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
A fake ID that makes you younger
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally