Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

is this store having a stroke wtf

My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it

Me: Man I’m never going to find the one

Friend: You will, dude

Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options

Her: “Men are creepy!”

Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”

Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.

I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene

As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.

For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.

Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.

Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex

ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop

I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.

Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.

Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.

I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.

Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats

People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes

My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.

Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion

Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*

My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies

Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot

Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.

Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!

After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit

doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health

me: phew, I’m so relieved

doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…

CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.

ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?

CEO: [under breath] Genius

Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.

I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them

stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body

Two mallards keep pooing in my garden, and it looks like an explosion at a piccalilli factory, so I’ve called them Simon & Garfunkel.

Yellow duck mess, my old friend.