me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
You Might Also Like
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Said hello to someone, they didn’t hear me, immediately assumed it was some sort of sixth sense situation
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box