me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
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Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
Kids will really get mad and tell you Mom don’t ever do THAT again, and THAT is just sending fruit in their school lunch
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
person: ur a toxicologist? what’s the wildest poison u know
me: actually anything can be a poison in the right dose, even water or–
person: *losing interest*
me: *sighs* ok so there’s a poison that gives u smoking luminescent poop
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
❤️❤️❤️
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background