Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Does anything good ever escape from a lab

Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.

They put me in the ICU.

Did you know that cows kill more people than sharks?

I’m surprised that cows kill any sharks at all.

do not feed a big man 12 eggs a day. you super charge a big man’s egg power levels to that extent he will devour your other family members. trust me I learned this the hard way

I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.

Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk

an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.

I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.

Football Team: Huddle up!

Me: Mm, this is nice

FT: Who are you

Me: So warm, so snug

FT: Break. Break now!

Me: Don’t go nice man-castle

Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u

TIME TRAVELLER: No

WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?

My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.

if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?

[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]

Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*

Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.

I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.

I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂

INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.

Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents

[First Date]

Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?

*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*

Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!

“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something

Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.

You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.

in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.

Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.

not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret

Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural

*later on date*

Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo

*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes

Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate

Him: U started your diet, didn’t u

Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.

They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list