me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
You Might Also Like
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
People posting their horrific dating app screenshots serves an important purpose: keeping married people together. Whatever problems you have in your marriage you don’t want to be out there again
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Tired of people being like “here’s my go-to easy meal” and then starting to preheat the oven
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.