me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
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It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
The government even made aliens boring
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
A late person is never happier than when the person they’re meeting is later than them
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
have yall ever had vietnamese coffee like ofc they won that war
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
My 9yo: the best teacher name at my school is Ms. Huggies.
Turns out her name is Ms. Hughes, but I’m gonna let that one ride for a while.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu