ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
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There are usually two types of merchants.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
Cab driver earlier asked if I minded listening to some traditional French music. It was lovely until his accordion got wrapped around the steering wheel and we went through a fence.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Stick it to the man
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
I’m an over-explainer (I explain things too much)
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
I was bored.
Kid Me: “I can’t wait till I become an adult, then I can stay up past 10:00pm”
Adult me at 9:30pm: “Zzzzzzzz”
“Cows kill more people than sharks.”
“I’m surprised cows kill any sharks at all.”