ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
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(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
I’ve watched so many docuseries about cults lately, I think I would be good at it, you know, as a member. Honestly, cults look like a blast at the beginning and middle just before all the crimes start.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.
CUTE CAT‼︎
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
Just donated six (6) fire emojis to charity.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
The office gossip approached me to say one of the eligible work bachelors was “asking about me” my very normal reaction was to blurt “tell him he’s too good for me!” and scurry away. Then throwing out a “I’m forbidden to wed!” So I think I’ll remain romantically retired for now.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
And then there were 4
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room