@sofarrsogud

ME: *watching a meteor shower

METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.

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@imence2

This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.

@IAmMikeFeeney

“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server

@briancthayer

Kids, eat your vegetables.

*reluctantly, they eat*

[2 hrs later]

*I eavesdrop on their convo*

Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.

@MandiAtRandom

*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache

CW: *hands me 5 Advil*

Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do

@KMoFlo_official

9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.

@newLettuce

Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.

Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.

*pushes their faces together*

Me: Did they kiss and make up?

5: No. She headbutted him.

@Awk0Tacoo

Every chick magazine ever:
You’re beautiful and are perfect just the way you are!

How to loose ten pounds in ten days you fat, ugly cow.