@sofarrsogud

ME: *watching a meteor shower

METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.

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@markleggett

If vampires like the taste of blood so much they should floss.

@topaz006

Currently helping my son search for his chocolate that I ate last night.

@futurecreaturre

if i die on a hill it’s gonna be the bottom of that hill. i’m not climbing up a hill to die

@SirEviscerate

HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.

@texasstalkermom

How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?

@thesarahthing

“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”