ME: *watching a meteor shower

METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.

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If vampires like the taste of blood so much they should floss.


Currently helping my son search for his chocolate that I ate last night.


if i die on a hill it’s gonna be the bottom of that hill. i’m not climbing up a hill to die


HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.


How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?


“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”