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@sofarrsogud: ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
@SCbchbum: Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
@batkaren: SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
@That_Damn_Duck: If my glass is half full then I start wondering where my bartender is.
@Sean_Burgundy_: My gf always tells me to shower her with compliments, but when I woke her up with the hose while calling her beautiful she yelled at me
@kelkulus: I lost my balance on an escalator and fell down the stairs for 2 hours.