ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
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who named him groot and not spruce lee
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
It do be feeling this way.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being