Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[knock on door]

JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?

ME (hates gossip): no

Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…

Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder

Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.

Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”

I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.

I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.

When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?

A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.

It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”

The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.

How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.

MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit

Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!

Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?

Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!

Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.

I need to stop drinking so much. Did I say drinking. I meant thinking. I need to drink more.

Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.

there is asparagus
in my hairagus

and I don’t

caragus

I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.

Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.

Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.

SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener

“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up

Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”

The government even made aliens boring

I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’

I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”

had to make it

9yo: Do you prefer chocolate or vanilla?
Me: Depends on the day
9yo: Let’s say it’s a Tuesday

I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that

[throwing out the baby]

Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!