Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.

My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’

Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!

Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.

ㅤ

Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…

I’ve been playing fast and loose with expiration dates ever since I watched a documentary about a British man who lives entirely off road kill.

“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”

“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”

Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.

Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.

AM I BEING GASLIT????

therapist: describe this picture

me: that’s my father yelling at me

therapist: and this one

me: you having sex with my wife

therapist: and this one

me: aren’t these normally ink blots

On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.

We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.

i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses

[first day in a hair band]

Singer: you’re bald

Me: yes, I lied on my resume

I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.

I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet

My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.

Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.

I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.

Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this

tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup

the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”

God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.

Sloths: bro

I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.

When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?

In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”

Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??

Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.