ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
You Might Also Like
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
Sooo many times…..
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?