Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
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*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
Foolproof? Yeah, well we’ll see about that
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
The pen is writier than the sword.
inventing words: clothing
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
Do not levitate over flowers
