Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.

Me: *grimaces, accepts call*

Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!

Me: Meow

I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/

I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.

“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”

-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.

good news everyone

My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.

I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?

I’ve watched this 17,467 times

Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.

Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.

Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.

Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.

I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?

Act now and we will double your order of crap!

Infomercials

SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men

HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool

SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth

HOBBITS: WOW

the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch

Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.

Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep

[undercover as a mom]

Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now

Other moms: *narrow eyes*

Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months

Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic

It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!

There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.

I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.

Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.

Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]

[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]

When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.

I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.

Me. I hit him.

My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive

I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.

A wise man once told me,

“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”

Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁