Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”

-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.

Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u

Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work

Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.

I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .

My Cinderella story is backward.

I started out a princess.

Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.

Now I scrub the floors.

JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.

LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.

JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.

[In Bar]

Friend: Your fly is down

Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce

*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*

Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw

launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076

do u think the guy who names hurricanes chooses the names of people he loves or is mad at

*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter

When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.

Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?

Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?

Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.

since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin

I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star

Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.

Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh

Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.

I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…

and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”

If you go back in time to 2009 and tell anyone Daniel Radcliffe & Jonathan Groff would become Tony winning besties they would probably be like “Wow 2024 is a magical place” & then you’d have to be like “Nah that’s like the one good thing.”

My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.

[in the woods]

Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*

Deer: I have a boyfriend

Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw

It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.

This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…

<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned

I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.

ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT

These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.

The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.