Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.

If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.

cave of wonders: only one may enter here

aladdin: abu has to wait outside?

cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count

abu: *steals*

cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT

I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.

CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.

My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions

find these 10 emoji for no good reason

[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”

That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.

I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”

This dudes dogs 😁battle cry

Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.

In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.

My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.

hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious

First time drinking whiskey.

Barman: And this one is 15 years old.

Me: Do you have any fresh ones?

Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.

Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.

[first day of creation]

GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light

When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.

Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*

Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th

Why would werewolves OR vampires need or want to go to high school

Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper

Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience

Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels

Torturer: just tell me what I need know

Me: NEVER

Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*

Me: OKAY I’ll talk

me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?

therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good

hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what

*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.

Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.

I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’

*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*

If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”

Teacher: Name the continents

Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…

T: Go on

Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?

T: *sigh*

Me: South Arctica?