[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
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Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Me: When you hear hoof beats, think horses not zebr —[trampled by herd of bison]
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Everyone is critical of British cuisine but if you think that our food is bad you’re going to lose your minds when you see our everything else.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
<••• accidentally splashes pickle juice in my eyes…
“Ow! I’m brined!”
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake