[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
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[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
Meeeee too!
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*