Walmart greeter smiled at me. Long story short, the weddings Friday.
Except Harold. HE said I’d NEVER find true love.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
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Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
*Gets disqualified for biting opponent’s ear on a chess tournament*
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
Mom: you failed your english test, didn’t you?
Me: who telled you?