@bornmiserable

[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are

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@DumbConfessions

Walmart greeter smiled at me. Long story short, the weddings Friday.

Everyone’s invited.

Except Harold. HE said I’d NEVER find true love.

@BillPelicanBros

Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.

@david8hughes

[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”

@gianni_bcn

*Gets disqualified for biting opponent’s ear on a chess tournament*

@squirrel74wkgn

No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.

@panmidwest

i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it

@WritePlay

MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad

COW: What’s that mean?

MAN: Uh-

COW: I’m fat?

MAN: … You’re a cow?

PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo

@Nickadoo

Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.

@aksorojas

I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it

@yassinovic89

Mom: you failed your english test, didn’t you?

Me: who telled you?