Me: “watching an exercise reel on instagram” I could do that
My body: are you serious? have you seen us?
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Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
(watching Simone Biles do 100 flips) I could do that.. for the right paycheck
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
i would not return the monkeys, I would simply inexplicably have 43 new ugly little children
turning a backwards chair forwards and sitting down normally to let my students know I have no interest in relating to them
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain