Me: “watching an exercise reel on instagram” I could do that
My body: are you serious? have you seen us?
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These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Never let them know your next move 😂
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire