Me: “watching an exercise reel on instagram” I could do that
My body: are you serious? have you seen us?
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my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
The U.K. ditching their old leadership on July 4th is an appropriation of American culture
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back