Me: “watching an exercise reel on instagram” I could do that
My body: are you serious? have you seen us?
You Might Also Like
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
I hate hotel bath towels.
So thick and fluffy I can’t even close my suitcase!!
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
When I am served half an egg at a restaurant,
I wonder to myself:
Who has the other half of my egg?
Two strangers;
Living their lives;
Sharing an egg.
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
If it ain’t broke, my kids haven’t used it yet.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
@knotta_tardfan’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
[unwrapping gift] oh wow, an item. I love these
My aunts (who are twins) were gonna have a joint 60th bday party, but they got into a fight. Now they’re doing two separate parties on the same day and they’re asking everyone to choose 😩
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that