Me watching any ad in 2024: How is this ad an ad for the thing it’s an ad for?
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My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
Just got revenge on someone who wronged me 6 Years ago. Never be Relaxed ever. I’m coming
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
A patient buying cigarettes from his hospital bed, 1950s
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
rest in peas
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger