Me watching any ad in 2024: How is this ad an ad for the thing it’s an ad for?
![]()
You Might Also Like
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
I’m giving up for Lent.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
her: i’m leaving you.
me: is it because i’ve been ignoring you to teach the chicken how to skateboard
her: YES
me: *through tears* you never believed in Tony Bawk
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Dance like you’re not the father
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.