Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Went on a whale watch today and my husband got up at 6am singing a song he made up to the tune of “You’re the One that I Want” from Grease but it was “You’re the Whale that I Watch.” Should I move out

I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.

Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”

*crunching sounds*

Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]

When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.

My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.

Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey

A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too

Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here

Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏

I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.

(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”

There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.

And their commentary has me crying 😭

I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.

CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm

I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him

I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.

hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.

I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”

The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣

I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair

Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.

Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions

Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.

Will keep you posted.

Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”

Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”

me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean

brain: probably will be good in a minute

me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month

I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.

*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK

If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.

[looking for our lost son in the mall]

ME: we should split up and find him

WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*