Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.

Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.

Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.

One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves

Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again

Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.

What the hell kind of scary shit is that?

Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.

I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.

[Grand Canyon]

*His screams echo as he falls to his death*

OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?

“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.

Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.

cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please

my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh

Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…

Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.

In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.

Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO

I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.

I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.

I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming

A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.

Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.

Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”

Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!

[job interview]

“Tell me a weakness.”

I never finish what I start.

“Care to elaborate?”

*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.

The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.

The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.

[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup

The inventor of predictive text has died.

His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.

Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.

If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store