Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
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Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Happy Friday the 13th! Slay the holidays 🛷🎄
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
