Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
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If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
when someone says they don’t like reading books, im like cool, you do you psycho
my dads out of town and i just went over to his house to deep clean it while he’s gone and there was a lizard running around his kitchen and when i told him he was like “hell yeah that’s Kevin”
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.