Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
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Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
I feel like not enough people are aware of how unhinged dunkin’s latest ad campaign is
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
kinda fun if literal: earwigs
Called in, “Let’s make this simple. What excuse haven’t I used yet?
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
THEM: “Dress for the job you want, not the one you have.”
ALSO THEM: “The samurai sword violates our office health and safety rules.”
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
Maybe we should all just live our lives in a way that won’t piss off Kendrick Lamar
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”