Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
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Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
So Hamburger help me, God
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma