Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[restaurant]

ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.

Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”

me: [texting] hey sorry but my powerful enemy just said “seize him” to all his underlings

boss: what time can you be here

me: i dunno man they’re seizing me like right now

boss: we’re short staffed today

me: i’m getting seized

Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.

It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.

I’m about to put on a white shirt.

Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?

“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”

-guy who invented condoms

They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!

Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.

My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.

My morning yoga routine has really helped shift my lower back pain into my upper back.

The word Ohio looks like a tractor

13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma

Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic

It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.

*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*

Kids have been at camp for 10 days now – we’ve been so curious to hear ANYTHING about camp and finally one letter came last week – which opened with the heartfelt and powerful words of:
“had to write this letter to get a snack”

Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.

Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.

Thank goodness.

If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot

[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.

Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?

I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught

We will use anything but the metric system

Don’t let hippos sniff mopeds
Or a deer chew your bike
Hide big wheels from gators
They know what they like
Geese love to rub rowboats
Ducks will tickle your van
Rabbits snuggle with tractors
Whenever they can
Squirrels smooch skateboards
If a door’s left ajar
And whatever you do

My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.

DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way

ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys

If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks

Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.

When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.