ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
One of my favorite stories about the great James Earl Jones is that when he did voiceovers, he asked for a bowl of fruit, and after his session was finished, he dumped all the fruit in his bag and left.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Carefully cropping the username off a popular reddit meme and posting it here with the caption “all right who made this?? 😂🤣😂”
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
Kid: I wanna be a teenager
Teenager: I wanna be an adult
Adult: I wanna be asleep
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
me: the human body is an imperfect vessel
me after watching olympic gymnastics: okay maybe just my body
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
