ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
a designated hitter in baseball is the one who has to hit for everyone in case the team is drunk
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
