If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
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*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.