Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“

Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.

I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!

receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.

I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here

Smallpox sounds so adorable

Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-

Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?

Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.

I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.

Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.

Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?

What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?

Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?

Him: It’s five dollars.

When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear

My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.

It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.

This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.

get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!

How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…

Get lost in the experience, not the park.

Packing for a 2 day trip like I’m gunna shit my pants 3 times and go swimming

“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]

Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃

Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head

It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get

Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.

“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”

“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef

[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are

On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’

How self-absorbed are you?

Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and death

Me: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.