Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I refer to one of my neighbors as the “older lady on the end,” but it turns out she’s like my age.

Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.

Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now

OMG the land line just rang

OMG we still have a land line

wearing a condom while she on birth control call that two factor authentication

Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”

I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates

Why everyone forces introverts to be talkative and get out of their comfort zone, but no one forces extroverts to shut the fuck up even for a minute so the zone becomes comfortable.

me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date

[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love

[the next day]

coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*

me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*

*steals all the clocks*

*has all the time in the world*

Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?

why isn’t he texting back

Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:

*5 stars*

I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.

True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.

Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!

there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee

I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.

I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.

Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem

*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME

*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*

A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.

The Onion called it…again.

I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.

[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW

I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.

<gets pulled over>

Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?

Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.

genie: wishes should be limited

monkeys paw: and come with consequences

shooting star: don’t forget rare

birthday candle: yeah and secret

dandelion: ok you guys need to relax

Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.

so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one