Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!

ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell

Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask

Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me

Husband: But it’s just us and we are home

Me: *tightening mask*

BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.

CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.

someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol

last night in a voiceover session

me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong

Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.

My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again

I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.

Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.

’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.

my feed is like:

ANIMAL CROSSING

eat the billionaires

we are all doomed

ANIMAL CROSSING

gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’

ANIMAL CROSSING

we are gonna die

ANIMAL CROSSING

*sharpening guillotines*

ANIMAL CROSSING

ANIMAL CROSSING

SOCIALISM NOW

ANIMAL CROSSING

Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”

*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*

Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.

It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁

She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza

If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.

I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters

“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”

I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!

I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it

The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..

Hunter Biden implies the existence of Gatherer Biden

*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*

Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open

Me: No problem

Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO

they finally got him. they got macavity

I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.

Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.

Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.

Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?

My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.

Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place

While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy

What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender