Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.

I pray every night that I never become religious…

Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*

Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?

Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie

Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.

The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer

[job interview]

-Describe yourself to me in one word.

-poor

her: who’s ur favorite vampire

me: that one on Sesame Street

her: he doesn’t count

me: i assure u he does, Jen

*dangling legs in the ocean*

🦈: is for me 👉👈🥺

I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.

I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.

Why would you ask me for directions?

You just saw me walk into a closed door.

*pronounces bondage like corsage.

“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”

a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.

6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?

Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.

6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.

In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.

ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing

First day as a 911 operator:

“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”

Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together

Me: That’s not true

H: Wanna go hiking

M: I don’t like your tone

Thinking of having kids?

Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.

You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.

Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.

The only thing stopping cheesecake from being a breakfast food is you.

Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.

[at ultrasound]

Wife: omg so what is it?

Me: it’s a baby.

Wife: I know that.

Me: then why did you ask?

Wife:

Doctor: yes then why did you ask?

9: Where’s mom?

Me: Out the back

9: Australia?

M: Out THE back, not the Outback!

9: What’s she doing?

M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think

Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.

Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams

[home schooling, day 1]

Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.

[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?

you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.

Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”