Me: [watching football]
Wife: [silently reading a book for three quarters of the game]
Announcer: That was a huge sack!
Wife: BAHAHAHA HUGE SACK
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For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
then why did i get this email
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???