Me: [watching football]
Wife: [silently reading a book for three quarters of the game]
Announcer: That was a huge sack!
Wife: BAHAHAHA HUGE SACK
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If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
This is why I hate group projects
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.